Venting

At the age of 26, it becomes exhausting when you realized that a good amount of your life is set to stone. Though there are some aspects such as the brain which can change due to its plasitcity, habits are habits - It's difficult to rewire the brain. A life full of wrong doing's, regret, and loss of many friends is hard to live by. "If only I could have done this" scenarios floods the brain. Although I live out from my parents house, I pay rent that covers almost 3/4th of my monthly's paycheck. Regretfully, I have debt that never seems to fade thanks to bad spending since I was a teen. The porn addiction, the depression, the isolation, the unknown, the lack of human interaction, all of it comes crashing down at some point. That point, is today.

Disclaimer: This is not a "last message" or any sort of harm. I want to see the end of my life. No matter how awful my life becomes. I hope to see the end of my life without my own interference.

Life can be so unpredictable that it can be excruciating. Breathing can become heavy, and the weight of your own shoulders bring you down to the ground. What is worse than death, is having to endure and live with past regrets. It can become so overwhelming, that I wish I could rip it out from my own brain. The constant reminders getting louder and louder, especially when you have already been brutally tortured by life. The cope of "well, I don't have it as bad as others" or "I need to stop being such a crybaby!" does not help whatsoever. It's the toxicity of these voices that adds salt to the wound. Sometimes it's good to just stop, rest, and breathe. We are not built the same way as others. We can only do so much. It does not make us weak either. Just makes us human.

I am at a point of life where I don't know where to go from here. I work at a job that pays $25/hr, and I am with $15k debt. I understand this amount is not as bad as many Americans, but having to pay $1,500, and getting about $2,400 will leave me with around $900. That $900 goes to groceries, gas, and other things. It's not enough to get rid of the debt anytime soon. So, what do I do? I apply to other jobs, but after one whole year, I have not gotten any calls back. No interviews. Nothing. It's difficult to live with this amount of money.

The Dream

When I bought my laptop last Black Friday, I told myself that I was going to scour the internet and find potential leads to have a business for my web development services. I was set to do it. I was going to work part-time, and I was going to find these potential leads around my area. Life happened, and my sister had to move into my parent's house along with her kids. I was devastated because that meant I had to move out. I didn't have to leave, but I didn't want to stay in a crowded house. I left. It was not pretty at first, but I found a place I can call home. However, that goal, that idea of finding potential leads never happened. I tried it once, and after failing, I gave up. I am too scared of talking to other people, and sadly I cannot sell myself. I undervalue myself and my own potential, so I never went through it. To this day, I want to do my web development services and make enough to pay off some more debt, but I cannot seem to communicate with other people.

I had another silly idea to make paper. Paper! That was because I was into penpaling at one point and I thought it would be nice to make recycled paper. After all, I work at an office, and I could use that for my own benefit. Of course, I would have to ask for permission. So, I bought a shredder, but that was it. There is a process that goes with making recycled paper, and I guess I just gave up on it. There are a lot of things that I simply gave up on in life. I never continued because I never tried it and I was too afraid to fail.

When I was a kid, I used to do pixel art. I was never a creative person, but I loved making pixel art. At one point, I was making graphics for a small online game. It was the best until I was dismissed for my poor language. After that, I just gave up. I wanted to make games with friends, people who knew how to draw and create stories, but due to my awful leadership, I gave up. I didn't even start the programming phaes. I gave up on that. I woke up everyday at 6am and would learn how to make a game. However, I never put it into practice. So I just gave up. That explains my failure.

I am the type of person that wants to be handed things. I look at other people and see what they have and though I don't know what they did to deserve it, I get mad at them. I get jealous. I feel envy, and my pride gets the best of me. I have a nasty personality. I don't know why I act that way. People care about me but I act like I don't care. I do care, but why the fuck do I act that way? I don't get it. I don't understand why I can't be fucking normal.

I don't get it at all. These is so much out there, and I want to do everything, but I end up doing nothing.